Thoughts of He at 26 weeks

 I’m okay , I’m just really thinking a lot about baby and if I’m going to be okay to do it on my own.

I really hope my mum is here for me when I give birth and I hope I will be okay if she isn’t.

He is trying ,I know that because time is getting close to babies due date that he’s trynna do better.

In my heart I know he is still the person I loved.I do take accountability that it was my fault for not leaving him  earlier but I was just honestly way too blinded by his potential and what he could’ve been that I didn’t realise who he actually was becoming.

My mind will never forget what he put me through.On phone when we discuss baby and babies growth and how his kicking etc. I’ll be okay with him and able to discuss things and then I snap out of it and remember what he did to me.Part of me wants him to be apart of this experience because I know now although his changed I did still love apart of him ,and even if he’s not that same person that I know ,that part of him that I loved and the part of him that did do right by me deserves a chance in this babies life.

I do second guess a-lot because I just feel like if he couldn’t look after him self or me , how will he teach and love my baby correctly but maybe he will change for the better.

I know he feels bad about abusing me and cheating , but I know he finds it hard taking accountability which is part of the reason he doesn’t want to be with me because he knows I’ll never forget.

I miss my person.The old version of him is who I always wanted to give a baby to and have a life with.I know everyone believed in his potential but I just was so so strong in believing he could be so great because I really wanted him to understand that he had everything ,all the tools to really make it even if he didn’t see that in himself.

I do get upset in thinking about who he is now.I just don’t understand but it’s okay.

When he raises his voice or is mean to me now I just can’t help but think “ old him would never do that to me “ ahahaha lol but I truly just know I wouldn’t ever be treated like that by who he used to be.

The first time he hit me I should’ve left and I did try to but he made me think through his apologies that he wouldn’t do it again but it was just another lie.I will never understand how he could feel so comfortable hurting me and especially whilst I was growing baby .I was going through so much and the one person who I thought I needed most , really put me through worse.I get upset at times just thinking about how I wanted to have a child and be able to give him two loving parents who were a power couple in raising him.Hope in that dream is slowly fading.

I am upset at times when I think about how I wanted abortion because I was scared of what would go wrong and He did every one of the things I was scared of happening when I had made my decision.

I wish I had a partner through this who really cared about me and baby.I wish I had someone to reassure me and to understand me.I really applaud women who are single mums or did their pregnancy single.I really never imagined I’d be in that boat but anything can happen.

I feel my parents love and they are really understanding now , I’m so grateful for that.

They are unaware I’m not with him and I’m abit shy to tell them because i know they will dislike him more.

I’ll never forget ever what he did to me and although I will be able to forgive him, they will never.

it is easy to forget his a changed 

Person now ,  I do get so caught up in thinking his still my person and his still a good person .my mind and heart really want to still believe that. it’s okay if I don’t forget but I know God will allow me to forgive and that’ll be enough for me ❤️